The Last Quarter of Mile

“It seems as if Dharma of Shravakas is going to get destroyed,” she said in a pleasant voice. It was the most soothing statement I had heard in my  three day journey. Like other statements it was meant for me. Another gentleman did call me Bhagvan and with all due respect but I hardly believed it to mean what I meant by the term. As my stop approached I collected myself-shattered, ragged, humiliated, broken and with not even an ounce of energy left in body, mind and soul I picked my bag up from above her seat and saw her smiling at me. Whether she was a dakini angel or an elemental or a priestess I can’t say but her words kept echoing for many days amidst all doom and gloom. Before uttering those words she was talking sensually like all other beings who had found me detaching from their talks by chanting internally. I have had enough of testing and torture in this mystical journey and I wanted to get annihilated. I knew that I didn’t get alighted to go to my home but to strangers who merely looked like my family members–for the person in guise of my sibling who stayed with me all three days merely assisted demons to trigger me in every possible situation.

The last quarter of the journey was toughest. I wanted to vomit but couldn’t. I had lose motions since last day and the systematically organized demonic attacks were not bounced off because I chose fearlessly and tirelessly to subject myself to them. But my strength had reached to its minimum. I heard them talking ” this checking is going to be continued at every bus stop and station until 15th of January.” I realized they had scanned my memory bank and since Hindu calendar considers Sun’s movement into Capricorn to be the beginning of day of gods it was logical to think that it was day of demons which made me suffer since November because all of the human vehicles around me were possessed by the demonic forces. I considered all of them teachers. All of them could read my memory and organize systematic attacks for my instincts and there was no escaping from them because they could read my every blinking of eye. All of them talked of collecting fuel from me in symbolic language. Like–can’t he give us even 5 rupees? It clearly meant that they wanted me to pay attention to their talks and thus get into a relation of attraction or repulsion with them since I was far from balanced. If I witnessed them talking–the manner of their talk, along with swear words they used would draw reactions of ‘judgement’ from my upbringing plus all accumulated pain and suffering in last four months and this propelled negative evolution like rocket calling for more negativity.

A cleaner of bus and his friends kept using swear words for about three hours and they were all directed at me. I took them as I had no escape. I was suggested to chant OM. Though I had no inclination to chant anything which had anything to do with Hinduism or any rigid structure anymore–I started chanting because my mind was being torn apart in infinite directions by all psychic attackers in the bus. They don’t need anything but your adoration and attention and that too for things you find totally illogical and forced. When I started chanting I was already covered in blanket and looking down like a captive. I usually love looking outside window but looking outside meant seeing any human being and getting reactions which triggered these messengers of Yama. For example-if I saw an attractive girl–the chattering will begin inside bus and I will have to force myself to direct my attention to other thoughts because ‘pure witnessing’ wasn’t allowed. 

At a midway stop a family entered into bus and they somehow wanted my seat knowing fully well what I had been through the lady asked me  if I would move to the back seat–as I looked back I saw a young girl in the seat and I knew what she was trying to do. I let them take my seat and kept chanting. Their talk was consistently picking my attention and the man of the family hinted me to stop chanting and do ‘general journey of two hours’ now. I thought they had relieved me now but fear of getting reactions based on powerful instincts as I heard them talk was stopping me from relaxing. As soon as memory of young girl surfaced in my mind the elder lady said “yes, yes come sit besides her, won’t it be nice and comfortable?” This attested my doubt and now I became even more cautious–their talks and all that had happened made me laugh on human condition and myself. I felt like vomiting Dharma and yet couldn’t.  Their law was to attack my hearing because whenever I looked at any one of them they used to mostly get dispersed and behave normally and I also had  what you may call ‘constrained free-will’ 

They all had their regions divided. The spirits which I met during my journey through two cities in three days were mostly attacking my ‘carefree’ ‘independent’ and ‘universal’ spirit. They not just wanted me to respect their culture and tradition but also wanted me to ‘kneel down’ to all of them. All spirits in my house also wanted this treatment it seemed and as such they were too many to slave for day-after-day-after-day for four months along with those in the mystery school masters but now in the journey I met thousands of people–well collected groups which were doing organized ragging so to say. They all had supernatural powers–at least powers to read mind, akashic records and so on. I intended to leave body many times during the journey as I did before because having seen this striking existential nightmare so up-close guided by my heavy instincts dubious about whether I had died and reincarnated or planet was taken over by aliens or I had entered into hell or a ghostly realm I wanted to escape. This now seemed like a great mistake to have submitted form for taking an exam. I was trying to pay my dues towards parents. I had given up all ambitions for securing a job and living a public life back in 2003 when I saw horror of human condition and traffic of students competing for some mark-sheets and paper with printed symbols but again and again I was forced by my father and family to join them in senseless pursuits. In 2012 I had to submit many forms to take competitive examinations whereas my physical and mental dispositions were those of a handicap. Awakening had rendered my motor functions disabled and I was not able to move my hands at will. I wanted to commit suicide but there was nobody who offered me cyanide and my spiritual side didn’t want me to give pain to body in the process because it was ‘pain’ repeated pain I was trying to escape from.

I escaped a government job in 2013 by running to Vrindavana–a place of pilgrimage and taking renunciation. As I wanted to flee that Ashrama to taken initiation from master Rajinder Singh Ji–the head of the organization who wanted me to become next head(Mahant) and also marry his daughter called my family without my knowledge and then my mother’s emotional dramas didn’t let me leave despite my repeated attempts to leave.    This time, even after death, my father wanted me to become a householder and for that I needed to pursue a job–though I had lived without working for a living for 5 years now. In Vrindavana I served as a priest and here I used to meditate and write blogs with an urge to leave whenever I could. Now I was forced to take another exam under delusion that this was the destined path to freedom from the ‘parents’ and ‘family’ which had haunted me all my life. A school of thought might say that I chose ‘tough love’ to awaken in this simulated journey in third dimension and another might say that I had heavy dues to pay as far as parents are concerned. There are many orphans in the world who would like to have a home like this one–the one I live in and I always wanted to become an orphan because I had felt like one since beginning. I was an alien in the family and community–an alien in school and society no matter how hard I tried to adjust, please or dominate.

I literally prayed and begged to be free from these people but life doesn’t work that way. They’re very much here kicking and fine because dues haven’t been paid. The journey taught me that there was no way out. As I reached house I said to them(aunt and grandmother ‘figures’ were there) “admit me to a hospital.” But nobody heard anything–I never fell ill for them and I knew I never fell ill because every time including 2012 it was meditation and breathing which healed me back to normal(whatever that means!) 

During the journey as I had loose motions and weakness I wanted to skip a heavy loaded bus and take one which had enough seats and in doing so I infuriated some people including my sibling–though I knew I had freedom to choose–I was bound by the lower ‘law’ in many senses–escaping altogether meant my family members asking questions–moreover I didn’t know where to go because I had already lost faith in ashramas.  The exchange of bus in a midway town was missed by me knowingly as I saw no reason to participate in this tortuous game–as I walked through the bus stand I saw people watching me and when I went back to the restaurant I heard a man loudly talking and abusing me warning me to eat calmly else he would force feed me egg and a scripture of another religion. Though they were doing this symbolically as they spoke to other people it was a strong warning and I had no other way but to submit and feed my body for other demonic hosts. A man said to a guy standing besides “Babaji wouldn’t you eat?” Another said “No, he won’t he just eats three not bread and daal.” It either meant that my witnessing was eating three modes of nature into the Absolute or I had three tapas–three modes of suffering physical,  mental and spiritual–like trident of Shiva. As there was no bus till morning we met a guy who was a municipality agent and I had to pretend that I respected system(whatever that meant by then)–he took us to a common lodging at entrance of which I was greeted with scornful remarks by host “that is your only crop.” I was thinking about going to washroom as I had loose motion and it was the only place where I could hear WORD because everywhere else it was mayhem. 

As I lied down on bed I witnessed why they were so generous. Many people kept coming back and forth and a guy started talking over phone to his girlfriend. It was all well organized and I knew it was going to be difficult for next few hours. I had wanted to escape hometown but in these circumstances–surrounded by vultures and wolves I thought it was better to return as soon as possible–the more I looked for comfort more pain I obtained. I kept hearing the sensual talk of the boy which was directed at me—and what should have been ‘private’ was being done in ‘public’ but this is how some types of hells are! I covered myself with blanket and covered my ears with fingers and started chanting guru-mantra. I tried focusing on breathing but it didn’t work because he was talking too loudly and he wanted me top engage and react mentally. I kept breathing with covered ears and kept chanting mentally–this led me pass about three and half hours. It seemed people around me were ‘frustrated’ because I had found an escape and collected ‘spirit’ despite all mayhem–anyway I spent next one and half hours standing on roof and as I went downstairs I saw my brother talking to the head of the facility–the song which was playing on the radio of tea shop meant something like “don’t hurt your parents..be loyal to them” Clearly they wanted me to create more Karma and dues where there were none. This is how all hells and ghostly realms work–they take certain memories and reactions and let you struggle with yourself. If you accept to play game out of compassion for mankind it’s spiritual–if you don’t there actually isn’t no individual Karma because individual is an illusion–you are always the whole.  

During these four months after death as I traversed multiple dimensions I didn’t find even a single individual who wanted to discuss Dharma or Truth. In earlier days young kids wanted to discuss something which contributed to their career–now there was nobody–and only a few kids heard some stories from me because this resulted in positivism.Even my grandmother indoctrinated me with folklore but nobody talked of liberation. I had to force myself to recollect wisdom because from zero point it was always easy to get bombarded with negativity and enter into negative with in a matter of a few minutes whereas cultivation of spirit needed wisdom recollections because no memories stayed after disintegration of ego in the death. I kept my ears plugged with earphones and avoided all conversations with family members. Avoided going outside to roof or to anyone else–avoided meeting people and thus gradually I recollected wisdom with Tibetan Book, LOGOS and writing. Faith that I was free–had enough intelligence and security needed to be cultivated and it grew as strongly as negative evolution had cultivated because here anything is possible. I wanted, like previous awakenings to switch into a Buddhaverse where everything was perfect and I didn’t have to face these people again but  that was not possible until I had deleted every reaction for them. I have freedom to leave now but I stay here waiting to cultivate more light so that there are no limitations. From 2012 each awakening brought some profound changes and old limitations were lost–in 2015-2016 it has been massive–I feel my grounding into the fifth, sixth and seventh dimension will be accelerated now.

I don’t have any blue print–nor am I a part of meditation groups. I have waited for a portal of white light to open and take me to divine lands but it seems I am supposed to be the sage and hermit–to create a magical realm around me. I quit Vedic Astrology because I felt it was pointless to create forecasts in the timeless. I have had an intimate feeling that we merely create patterns here and try to identify and fit ourselves to them. Since I found ‘simulation’ for a space-voyage and ‘mystery school’ patterns well enough for myself I used whatever I had without ever thinking that I owned anything for creating positive intentions and experimenting with various meditation techniques.There are plenty of versions of story and anyone I want to believe becomes most valuable. I liked Andromedan version which suggests that earth is a library. You are loved yet you need to stay positive because you are valuable for other beings as source of information. For many days I didn’t know whether I was in heaven, among ghosts, on a space-ship or on earth. repeatedly listening to spiritual friends on YouTube(as I had no other viable way to feel ‘belonging’) made me believe that it was the new earth emerging in the fifth dimension and I was one of the experiments but I needed to take my full responsibility, stand up and walk on my own because there is help out there only if I truly need it and believe in it. There is no separation so there is nobody else.  

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